for
every mountain blocking you.
you could be water
and
soft river your way to freedom
too.
- options
written by nayyirah waheed
What does softness mean to you? There used to be a time when it had a negative connotation; and, for many people, it still does. When you hear the word, does your mind automatically jump to a weakness, or a strength?
Wait...did I just say strength?
Yes. And I'm talking about a silent, soft, knowing strength of the spirit. One that allows you to choose to come from a place of softness, instead of anger, rage, frustration, hurt, fear, lack of knowledge, retaliation, habit, resistance.
This notion of softness has been rolling around in my mouth for a while due to an old wound I need to work on healing. When I stumbled upon the beautiful poetry of nayyirah waheed in her book salt, my mind, my heart, and my soul forever shifted, especially because of her concepts around intimacy, speaking your truth, and softness: all things I am addressing with this one wound, this one relative.
In one poem, she writes, simply: stay soft. it looks beautiful on you.
How many of us cannot stay soft because of what life has dealt us? We choose instead to become victims, let our anger take over and petrify our hearts to stone, until we no longer recognize our own softness. We forget how to speak with kindness; how to see with love in our eyes. Forget that the person across from us is dealing with a myriad of wounds too.
I typically choose to look on the bright side of things, and haven't turned toward the raging fire, the wooden walls, the chip that can burden your shoulders. So I thought I was free from the hardness that eats away at people, changes them, robs them of their authenticity. I was wrong. My guardian angels have gently reminded me that, perhaps, in this one case, I am reflecting back what I feel from this person/when I am around this person, and in turn, not allowing myself to be soft in return--with the one person who may actually need it the most.
As Eckhart Tolle once said: Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.
Pushing anger back at someone who is also angry and harboring deep-seeded pain, will never improve the quality of the relationship. It only serves to further damage an already delicate balance of trust.
A friend and I just had a great conversation about this very topic, which has shed even more light on the subject for me. She knew exactly how I was feeling, but called it something a little different. She'd read somewhere about the concept of how to stop resisting. She was in a very difficult situation dealing with an ex on a regular basis. Because of past experiences, she always had her guard up with him and expected him to come at her with aggression, hostility, and "the uglies" as I like to call them. Just spew his venom at her, because he had in the past. Every interaction was typically painful, emotionally exhausting, and heavy on the soul. She carried this heaviness around with her and was ready to release it. When she realized she would never change him, she realized the change had to start with herself.
Let me repeat this key concept: you will never change the person you have the issue with.
You have to first decide: how toxic is this relationship? Because not all relationships need to be held on to, nor should they be (especially if they are abusive in any way). But if the relationship is important to you, or you have no choice but to interact with the other person, then you have to find a way to change the way you view the situation, and the way you choose to respond to the other person. Now, let me just say this: It is harder than all get out to change our internal dialogue, gut-level reactions, and hurt when it comes to emotionally charged situations and people in our lives. But remember, you are doing it for yourself first and foremost. Allow yourself the grace and beauty of softening.
For my friend, it started with a simple change in tone when she greeted her ex. You wouldn't think that would make a huge difference, but she stopped herself one day and told herself: stop resisting. That doesn't mean she let herself be a doormat for him and didn't stand up for herself. It meant, she allowed herself to soften and come from a place of love instead of fear and anger. Trust me, there was a lot that she legitimately has the right to hold on to. But to what end does it serve? Who does it really hurt?
If you want better, you do better. So she did. And in doing so, she changed. And she is so much happier after letting down her resistance and expectations around how it was "supposed" to go with him; and the new freedom this opens up within her heart is hers to be had.
As someone wise once said: Holding on to the anger of your past robs you of your ability to love in the present.
So, what's my take away from all of this? I am ready to let go of my anger, resentment, hurt, frustration, and unrealistic expectations. I am ready to stop blindly hoping this person will be able to change. If they do, I would be thrilled, because I genuinely love this person and want to see happiness and peace return to their life. However, I am ready to change the way I interact with them, and try to come from a place of pure love in the relationship, as much for my sake as anything else. This is how I approach the rest of my life, and I'm ready to stop resisting.
I know I need to take the first step and be the change I hope to see in my life.
Because I've heard a little rumor that softness just might look beautiful on me too.
